Its has been 3 months since she left us. Truthfully, it wasn’t a easy process. I still miss her dearly and sometimes think to myself that she is still around. I can still hear her nagging at me for not taking my vitamins, doing household chores and asking me to fetch her around. At that time, I dread all these tasks and used to think to myself  when do I have to stop?

As a kid, one of my worst nightmares is to see my loved ones die in vain. I’m sure you have had that experience before and then you would cry in your sleep and wake up the next morning to see you pillow is wet. I would scare myself and ask God please do not let it happen in my family. Not that fast. I guess God’s ways are higher than ours. We will never understand God, but God knows what is best for us, and particularly my mum.

Now, we are adjusting to this ‘new’ lifestyle. Definitely our family is different. It’s now down to four. We teared everytime there’s any occasion, especially happy ones going in our family. My dad especially. It’s sad to see him being lonely and crying alone at night. Imagine losing your partner.

Have I got past that? Honestly I haven’t. Not a 100% at least. I used to talk to my mum about everything and she is the only one that knows what I have gone through. Now, it’s to my boyf. Haha. Things are different. Now I can’t hope for her to do things for me, like she always does. I remember that day I was telling a friend how I only love my mum’s curry, and then I realize I can’t have it anymore unless I cook on my own. It’s a scary feeling. I feel that I was going nuts.

I still cry quietly at night when I think about her. When I look up to the moon, I’ll think of her. Not just the happy moments but also the painful period. The image that I have of her lying unconsciously in the hospital was unbearable. Seeing her fighting for survival and yet we can’t do anything it’s heart breaking. I can still recall the emotions that I was going through that time, my family and the people who came to support us. I remembered crying like there was no tommorrow. I remember hugging the millions of people who came to visit her, for the last time. I remember her in the casket, and most painfully seeing the casket in the furnace. There, my mother is really gone.

Life is so fragile. Anytime of the day, God may call us back to heaven. Are you prepared?As a reminder to myself, should I live the day to the fullest or live to the fullest of the day?

I keep hearing this from TV : It’s not painful to die for someone you love, but it is more painful to see someone you love die and you can’t so anything about it.

So true. Appreciate your parents, after all they have been through for you. Don’t wait till you realize that you are too late to appreciate them. I regret some moments when I disappoint her, but I know I have been a good daughter that she is proud of. Honestly, the happier moments were much much more. I’m glad. Very.

I love you mum. See you again. One day.

Advertisement